I had a conversation this week with an entity, whom I’ll call Wanda and I’m almost certain she wasn’t a fish. In this web of loving energy the name of the carcass is almost irreverent and irrelevant compared to the spirit that resides within. The conversation was about "Mr. Right", managing expectations and creating boundaries, the usual topics of those struggling through relationship challenges. Together, we surfed through ideas and thoughts, splashed around different perspectives in big waves, too good not to share.
Our conversation started with the belief in "Mr. Right"- the future fantasy guy, the complete package. This made me giggle in seeing that there have certainly been a few "Mr. Rights" both real and virtual along my journey. Each having puzzle pieces of pros and cons, eventually bringing in love and grace. Some were for there for a reason, some just for a season but all to learn greater depths of love and universal wisdom. Just when you think you are able to love this form of the trait in the mate and truly see the reflection of your judgments in yourself…. Boom! the universe gives you a bigger surprise in the next relationship. In fact, I believe that each relationship builds on the lessons you learned from the last. If you didn’t get the lesson it returns in a different form. If you got it the first time around then you graduate to a more difficult level in the game with the next one. Does it make you smile if you think about your mating and dating experience as a snakes and ladders board game?
Our conversation caused me to reflect on the whole idea of “right” verse “wrong” and “now” verses “later”! What if there is only a "Mr Right Now" and all else is an illusion. What if your soul calls in different forms of energy that we call “mates” for maximum love growth at different times in your life. What if everything is perfect just as it is and our ignorance to this perfection creates anger and resentment of the past and fears and anxiety of the future. If we accept this ideology of present time consciousness, seeing all we have is this moment, we slip out into the cosmic consciousness of the universe. Each moment has its negative and positive pole to create a love magnet that draws us into eternity. In this loving space, we are neither negating the past or creating expectations around the future. We are in love with this moment.
What are your greatest fears in relationships? The fears of future mates will likely be viewed from the glasses from your past, with all the wounds and scratches etched into the lens. Such a challenge to trust when you you’ve been deceived; to accept a beloved when you have been rejected; to open your heart to caring when you have be denied it. The only way to clean and clear the lens is to look back at the past and truly see how that wound served you. How did the threats, give you certainty of your vision? How did the challenge draw in supports from others? How did the strife make you resourceful? How did the feeling of being rejected bring you closer to the loving spirit of the universe? How did the physical, mental or emotional pain make you an indestructible loving force of nature, strengthening by the pruning? If we believe that the universe is a loving place, then we can imagine what happens is not “to” us is but “for” us…. and this makes all the difference. It doesn’t mean we have to admit a painful event was good, but labelling it as bad locks us into resentment, shame, anger or grief. If we can see the benefits to the pain, then your memory of it will leave your consciousness. Some go through a lifetime grieving and with anger, not taking time to ask how the situation served them! Suffering, as the Buddha says, happens when we attach to a particular form or idea. Suffering, like joy, it is a choice. Science shows us that a memory needs an emotional charge to take root in your unconscious mind, so whether you think it is good or bad you are right. When the cloud and silver lining balance in your conscious mind, it dissolves the unconscious imprint and you no longer perceive it.
Vulnerability is a strength, pain is a teacher and expectations are a future phenomena.
It is when we are most vulnerable that the universe sends in a magnitude of loving support. Being able to embrace this vulnerability and show your weakness is a sign of true power. Just for a moment, remember a time when you were most obviously showing your vulnerability. It could be in a relationship where you were stripped of your reputation, your dignity or worldly possessions or it could be another independent situation. I’ll use my own personal example of getting robbed in China, where my security and identity disappeared within minutes. Everything was lost…all my money, jewelry, passport, working visa, purse, all my credit cards and id’s. I am in a strange country sitting alone on the sidewalk, the group that I studied acupuncture with for a month had to return to North America as their working visas had expired (incidentally with my suitcases in tow, thinking I’d be on the plane). I had nothing but the shoes on my feet and a Chinese-english dictionary in my pocket. Feeling distraught and totally vulnerable, I sat on the sidewalk in tears and did what we all do in the depths of despair, talk to God. The short story is within a few hours, someone arrived from the hospital where I’d worked with the money and resources to buy me a ticket home; a temporary passport appeared seemingly out of the blue and the place where I stayed for a month gave me free room and breakfast as long as I needed it. It is magical how it works out when you are totally transparent, humble and vulnerable. The universe conspires to equilibrate the situation. This one event, that at the time I was perceiving as the worst thing that could have happened, turned into one of my greatest lessons in abundance. A lesson that keeps repeating itself - “All we need is there floating in the ether; ask, believe and create space to receive.”
Pain and vulnerability are the teachers that bring us closer to ourselves and to the love of the universe. It’s almost as if your heart breaks to allow in a greater love. If you can prove this to yourself by taking a balanced look at those situations you’ve labelled as painful and see how it served you, the memory of it no longer holds you captive. The deception of your eyes and your infatuation with the pain, holds you as a prisoner in your own mind. Expectations happen when you allow your mind to step out of present time consciousness into the future and sets the stage for disappointment. Gratitude for what is, calls in more of what is to come. The future fantasies like the nightmares of the past are tarnished with illusions. When you are honouring this moment, the warped expectations of future and the distorted memories of the past disappear. Leibniz says it doesn’t get any better or worse than the current moment, and I believe him.
I usually don’t quote bible verses as it appears some of them have been moulded by the minds of men to fit the protocols of the day. If I was going to discuss the ten commandments in depth I think George Carlton’s fun loving presentation would be one I’d promote. But these two commandments are apparently a foundational principle of our christian faith and they have profound implications when it comes to a loving human interaction. This distinction may be one that even the catholic priests and other pedophiles may have missed. Mark 12:30-31 “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength. The second is this: Love your neighbour as yourself. There is no commandment greater than these.
Love your neighbour as you love “thyself” is a universal truth. To love your neighbour as you love “yourself” would be an ego-centric scenario of a denser vibration and lack of understanding. The priest may love the alter boy as they would love to be loved but are they giving consideration to how the child would love to be loved. Is being a “bum boy” for God’s “chosen ones”, serving the child’s greatest desire?
Imagine there is a little 5 year old girl that has a birthday and what she’d love more than anything is to have both parents present at the party. Her mother organizes the greatest kids party with magicians and bouncy castles, the father sends her a HUGE doll house with lots of barbies inside but the little girl is sad. They are giving her what they think she would like but no one asked her what she’d most love and even if she did sing the song in her heart, the parents may have been too busy with their own agenda to hear it. When the little girl is not over-joyed with the gift, they call her ungrateful. They have not only broke her heart but they removed it from her chest and stamped all over it making her feel guilty for her form of loving.
I had a situation recently with a friend who gave me a gift but because I wasn’t using it the way he suggested, I was labelled ungrateful and he asked me to return it. A gift is a gift. A self less offering to the person, what they do with it or how they feel about it, is irrelevant. If we are truly giving of ourselves, our advice or an item with a grateful heart, we detach from the outcome. Wisdom doesn’t take offence, judge the response or try to manipulate the outcome. “Thyself” is the ability to look beyond your own limited vision to a higher, more divine perspective.
This brings me to the next point. The importance of clear communication. Sometimes we need to teach others how we love to be loved. To remain silent in our pain, negates growth - the gift giver goes on with their self-righteous attitude and the one in receipt of the ungrateful label may take on the shame or guilt. I wonder if the little girl spoke a little louder and been more clear would anyone have heard her?
Books, movies, songs, therapies and courses about relationships are billion dollar businesses. Lynne Mctaggart says this bond with others is just as essential as eating or sexual intimacy. The vagal nerve stimulation of social interaction, for females in particular, is foundational to mental health and immune system function. I’ve highlighted a few different relationships of 'parent to child', 'friend to friend' but the 'mate to mate' is powerful manifestation incorporating all of the above. Your mate is the big kahuna, the conglomerate, the box store of all the products, emotions and baggage of everything that has gone on previously. My grandmother used to advise us to find a man who loves and respects his mother. “If he honours and respects his mother then, he will honour and respect you”. I imagine the same holds true for women and their fathers. It is only in my later years that I understood the full implications of that message. The parent-child relationship is the foundation to all others. Trauma, unprocessed emotion of the past, will certainly come to the surface in your current relationship. The magical part of our evolution is that we tend to attract someone of our similar vibration. So if you have unprocessed emotion with your mother you may attract someone who has to deal with the same issue. The universe is going to have you learn this lesson of self love one way or another. We see this in alcoholic, physically abusive families where the child chooses a similar mate to the childhood family, to help them grow from the experience. If you are still feeling abandon or abused by a parent for example and you haven’t experienced the growth from it, you may attract a mate that leaves you or physically abuses you in some way, to poke the wound and give you the opportunity to heal it. A good mate will know how to push all your buttons, a great mate also knows how and cares enough to defuse them. Lately, there have been times that I growl and grumble, seeing the waves laid before me but certainly it is true…. if it comes to you, it is for your learning and more importantly for your loving.
It is our evolutionary intent to procreate. Is it the puffing up of our chest, the display of our mental capacities, the pheromones and physical appearance that draws us together? Physical appearance is certainly one factor and the confidence and chemistry has a place in intimate interactions but more powerful than all this is the magnetic heart energy. Gregg Braden suggests that within 3 min your heart knows if this is an energetic match for you. Your genital organs, brain and extended programming may try to convince you otherwise but your heart knows. Learning to honour your own intuition, gives you more trust this inner knowing than all the hormones in your pants or voices in your head.
The next big wave in the sea of mating souls is divine intervention. Astrological speaking, this principle is illustrated in a natal chart. Based on the energies within the heavens at the moment you were born, you and your mate are destined to have a complimentary opposite energetic personality prints. The universe calls this meeting of opposites, love. It is almost as if the integration of you both brings you to the centre of your soulful self. I’ll not expand here on this topic but if you’d love me to do a personal chart and explanation, please send me a private message here on the blog. For the purpose of this article, let’s just say I believe the answers to love are written in the sky. Embracing this divine destiny keeps us somewhat entertained and joyful through the spiritual growth of the process. In theory, you may know every partner you attract is your complimentary opposite, however at a cognitive level it may be difficult to process when you are drowning in emotions. The heart math is your loving life jacket. Complimentary opposites attract, a negative and positive pole creates a loving magnetic field.
All of us have had some relationship trauma. I like to remember that those stars and diamonds that shine the brightest have been formed under great fire and pressure. Og Mandino's, quote speaks of this trauma glory. “ The brightest stars in the heavens are those tested in the furnace of tribulation, show me a man who has never suffered adversity and I’ll show you the most unhappy person on earth.” The trauma creates a vulnerability that calls in greater love to balance and fosters joyful appreciation. The wounded broken heart is opened for universal love and understanding. Did your falls, wipeouts, bumps and bruises off your board make you better or bitter? How has your practise, enhanced your surfing skills and form?
Boundaries is another interesting trick of the trade. How do you create boundaries on a surf board? Maybe you agree to keep your eyes open, wear your ankle strap or ring to keep you secured to the board and you don’t surf anything over 10 feet. heheheh
In a respectful evolved relationship if you communicate clearly your desires, I’d assume they would be honoured. If you are having to keep your partner on a short leash and the gate closed under a watchful eye then perhaps you have an undisciplined pet and not a spiritual mate. I prefer a monogamous relationship. It is my belief that if you choose a good one, one is all you need. However, there are extenuating circumstances that require special consideration. The sex trafficking business captures many travelling salesmen and women in music, movies, speakers and authors. If you find a partner in this sexsuccess situation, reporting this to the authorities maybe necessary before personally formulating other creative relationship solutions. Communication in any relationship is key. Like any good business relationship if you know the love list for lasting partnering desires and you’ve prearranged its funeral, you can enjoy the ride. Some may view this prenuptial document/ love list a boundary but best for the relationship psychology to see it as a map. It is a responsible caring thoughtful process to put all the cards upon the table, honouring your combined desires and spiritual growth in a shared vision forward. It allows for a loving gracious way in and out of the relationship. In tantra yoga there is a question that represents a true measure of this spiritual flow and understanding. “If you are serving me and I am serving you, who is being served?” Focusing of service instead of self and you both create a win-win.
10 years ago, I wrote a book entitled “Divinity in Divorce” that helped me find my way through a few big waves with love and grace. It is short and not that sexy but if you are in the throws of crisis it may help you find your balance. E-mail me at email@example.com for a complimentary copy. In an effort to explain the non-judgmental spirit in which the book was written to the high priest at the catholic book store, I suggested that one day I may write a sequel entitled, Divinity in Marriage. Apparently, I still need a few more surf lessons before I begin that journey and after this article, a few more hail Mary’s to cross the threshold.
Reach for the stars, envision and achieve your personal best and enjoy the journey …… of smiling and surfing with a fish called Wanda.
Dr. Dena Churchill- International Speaker, Author, Health Innovator & Wellness Astrologer.