Why Does One Cheat In A Relationship?

Infidelity (also referred to as cheating, adultery or having an affair)  is a violation of a couple’s assumed or stated contract regarding emotional and/or sexual exclusivity (Weeks et al, 2003.) Other scholars define infidelity as the subjective feeling that one's partner has violated a set of rules or relationship norms; this violation results in feelings of sexual jealousy and rivalry (Leeker & Carlozzi, 2012).

Many relationships are torn apart with the feelings of betrayal and guilt that are buried within the fabric of infidelity.  Exploring the unconscious motives and belief systems within a relationship dilutes the emotion and elevates you into a greater heart of love.

The ideas of monogamy verses polygamy seems to vary within culture, religion and other lifestyle parameters that dictate and shape our beliefs.   So in itself the concept of having one or many partners is simply a unique agreement between the involved parties.  Cheating is the result of breaking that agreement.  

Why does one cheat?   I imagine there are many different scenarios but fundamentally the cheating person is not having their needs met and seeks an alternate source for fulfillment.  Whether the cheat in a relationship finds a lover to fill a sexual gap or a student cheat in an exam finds an answer sheet to fill in blanks,  the cheater must be perceiving some level of deficiency in the current situation to break the contract.   Perception of deficiency is the motive but fear of loss is usually the underlying emotion.   The infidelity is defined by the person's inability to share what they need to do to live a fulfilled life. 

Often the person that cheats lives with this growing fear and anxiety about the situation that consumes time and space in their mind and heart.  In essence,  they are captured in the web they have created in which they are never truly free.   Often in an attempt not to hurt their loved one, they create a painful pattern of soul scars that span lifetimes and have sacrificed a growth opportunity within the relationship.  Human behavior specialist,  Dr. John Demartini maintains that we are never loyal to a person but to our set of values.  This is a seemingly cruel truth that allows you to step out beyond yourself,  to not take the situation so personally and see that you are simply part of an equation in which the sum of all the parts equals the whole.  If communicating with your partner and creating an authentic life is of high value, then cheating in the relationship may be less likely. 

I invite the one who experiences the betrayal of the infidelity to read the following paragraph with an open mind and heart.  Pride is a powerful emotion that clouds our vision to truth so answering the following questions takes away the need to reprimand and punish your partner and seek a solution to your situation.  The pain and despair as a result of the perceived betrayal is calling you to a greater level of understanding to know that you are all that you see.   Ask yourself where is it that you cheat in your life, where have you cheated your partner and how have you contributed to this perceived deficiency.  We all cheat in some way, however the form and method varies depending on our values.  Whether we are cheating ourselves out of good health, cheating our love ones out of sexual intimacy or cheating the government out of taxes, we are still cheating and breaking an agreement or contract.   That which we judge is our own reflection and holds the soul seeds of enlightenment.  I am that is a powerful phrase that dissolves judgement into the equality of God's eyes.  The inability to step outside your limited perspective to a greater awareness will precipitate more pain.  Albert Einstein says, no problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it.   You have the choice to sit in pain and judgement or to move into the liberation of greater growth.   The brightest stars in the heavens are those tested in the furnace of tribulation (Og Mandino), so shine on. 

Counter act cheating:
1.  Set out the parameters of your contract at the start of a relationship.
2.  As you would in a business agreement, initially look at the ways the relationship contract may be broken and create a strategy for each of the options.
3.  Communicating and linking your values to your partners, will insure you both live a fulfilled life.   Download Dr. Demartini's value determination sheets here to begin your process,  https://drdemartini.com/value_determination.

If cheating is an issue for you and your partner and you have not found some resolution within the words of this page,  connect with me personally ([email protected]) for further exploration.